open letter from someone with bpdopen letter from someone with bpd

My fiance has BPD. There is a lot of misconception out there about BPD. (BPD & The Internet), The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness Planner by Amanda Smith, LMSW, Remind yourself that the persons behavior isnt your fault, Tap into your compassion for the persons suffering while understanding that their behavior is probably an intense reaction to that suffering. It felt as though my very real issues were being labelled as some sort of 'mood swing'. Why? Well I better get off this pitty pottyMy Daughter just called and she is Barking also. This message is what he's been trying to tell me for the last two years and I've just never understood why he would stay with me when I have my BPD episodes, but this helps me understand. ~ Dave M. Also, during those long recovery periods, she will fixate on a distorted, misremembered and misquoted version of something I'd said during the fight, always distorted to be much harsher than what I actually said, and sometimes completely "fabricated" with no basis in anything I said. But please know that at the very same time that we are pushing you away with our words or behavior, we also desperately hope that you will not leave us or abandon us in our time of despair and desperation. Don't think we will ever get back now, gotta give it to her though, she was the only one who understood me. And for all those who DO deserve to be helped, be allowed to heal, and their loved ones who deserve to be supported, thank you for sharing this letter that might help them all live better together and individually. I was told that I have BPD, and I am in denial of my diagnosis. There were some days I was too depressed to go to school or to study, and there were many times I thought "how can I help others if I'm such a mess?" When he is having his episodes he verbally attacks me. Dear Friends, Family Members, Lovers, Ex-lovers, Coworkers, Children, and others of those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder. symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, Impulsivity and Borderline Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Recovery: What It Can Look Like. The Socialist Republic of Romania (Romanian: Republica Socialist Romnia, RSR) was a Marxist-Leninist one-party socialist state that existed officially in Romania from 1947 to 1989. My significant other felt the same way as yours that therapy was a waste of time and money, until I finally showed progress and began getting better through DBT. Smiles, Well here goes. Hello thank you so much for sharing. Click to enable/disable Google reCaptcha. I have lost my best friend and the love of my life to untreated bpd and have been in agony while she instantly moved on. Get hand-picked resources and highlights from our Mighty community straight to your inbox. Thank you for taking the time to leave such a kind comment. BPD, Ghosting, and Abandonment Issues WHEN A PERSON WITH BPD IS GHOSTED It can be incredibly difficult when someone suddenly disappears or "ghosts" from your life especially once you've risked your heart, allowed yourself to be vulnerable, and have become emotionally attached or invested. Did the self-medicating thing too. I seem selfish. I was in denial until 27 years old. I know it might seem I am heartless, but I have to put my own husband and my 5 children first. Other have said it, but I need to add my voice Thank you for writing this. The last few years have been very tough for me on a personal and professional level, but it is always good to read other peoples experiences and how they manage their day-to-day lives. I am actually building up an identity, something that is ME. Don't give up on YOU. Now, multiply that feeling times ten and that is what a person with BPD considers intense emotion. While she was packing one day I played some Mavericks, southwestern country music I thought she would enjoy because that's where she is from. I am sorry for blaming you. But he has so little insight. We need help with how he can support me and she is willing to speak to us about what its like for families of BPD. That with the right kind of help and support you can build a 'life worth living'. Borderline Personality Disorder: Is there hope? Dear people, I have a professional translation of the letter in Dutch. Click on the different category headings to find out more. Last but not least, thank you for the wonderful open letter. I am so happy that you feel it was a help to you, and I appreciate all of the kind things you said. I haven't spoken to him for a week., and he hasn't contacted me. I no longer do the things I used to do. I am a DBT therapist and work on an intensive DBT unit with adolescents. Debbie, Hi Damask thank you so much for taking the time to write such a beautiful comment. I want to point out that you have a lot of clarity and insight into what's been happening for you and your desired boundaries around your family. There is a lot of misconception out there about BPD. What stands out for me is HOPE! I have learned with time and education on my part that her pain is not my fault and it is not my responsiblity to fix. I'd at least come to an understanding of what it is, how it works, what it does before she did. Pain that is triggered through attempts to be emotionally intimate with someone else. It's hard. All Rights Reserved. I am doing 99% better now that I got proper treatment for the eating disorder. The best thing we can do during these times is remind ourselves that this too shall pass and practice DBT skills especially self-soothing things that helps us to feel a little better despite the numbness. I have a wife and a Daughter who both have BPD wanting to die and both are in Psych Wards. I have been reading many different sites and randomly came to your blog tonight. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a long-term pattern of "abnormal behavior" that is characterized by an unstable sense of self, emotions, and relationships with other people. Debbie, Dave, thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I just love this letter. He pushes me away but I can hear his cry for help. 4301 Wilson Blvd., Suite 300 Thank you for your kind comment. However, when they are presented in a manner as if the struggle somehow evaporates at the end is not logical, because life is never so linear. I'm usually pretty good at keeping my head, and not fighting back, whenever she does this. You've been peeking in our windows. I have spent a lot of money and resources to help her in every way, only to be treated like trash. There, youll also find thoughts and questions by our community. But that will only happen if others that share in the experience find this and share it with others. P.S. It can be hard to witness someone's pain, and one of the pitfalls for therapists is to lose faith in the person going through the therapy, particularly when building up one's own DBT skills. You are not the cause of our suffering. I admire all of you, everyone of you, that can speak out! where you can take online Dialectical Behavior Therapy Classes from anywhere in the world. Just be there for her in the end when she needs you. The mood swings experienced by people with BPD can lead to issues with impulsive behavior and can contribute to relationship problems. On the resources page of. Click to enable/disable _gid - Google Analytics Cookie. Check this out. I never agreed with the diagnosis either for myself and realized I actually have complex PTSD. It can indeed be inspiring to read these stories. It's a commitment, but I fully intend to be there for her and listen and work through it when she's ready. I keep reading things about how we cant love and that people should stay well clear of us, thankyou for writing this, my ex split with me, a week ago nd ive signed over my house coz she has nowhere to go, she jus thinks im trying to get back with her and has been told to cut all ties coz I will make her life hell, just feel so alone. I think that one if the distinct differences in the diagnosis is the willingness to show vulnerability. , I'm a 39 yr old wife and mother of a beautiful babygirl of 19 months. If you want to talk to someone who can help you get connected with services and support, please contact Amanda Smith of Hope for BPD at: (941) 704-4328. I want to get help, but I know we have no money. My look on life was empty and my selfimage was terrible. I just wish more people were aware of how damaging the things they say really are to anyone with any kind of mental illness. That said, it makes sense that people occasionally need to set boundaries with us. strong, overwhelming emotions and feelings. Please give yourself time and hold on in hope. Thankyou, I can only imagine the courage it must have taken for you to write this for us! I want you to know that despite the poor choices, the exhaustion and what youve seen as laziness, I have loved you through it. Every single time you bring me back down when I'm fighting through a trembling and breathless panic attack that makes absolutely no sense to you. You can find even more stories on our Home page. I wish I could show this to my boss. Not someone with questionable actions in their past. I wish you peace. I STRUGGLE to focus. The more people are aware and care, the more people we can help. You are a source of admiration, thanks for your courage and generous words. Hope you are well! Hay Debbie, I can relate to so much of this. 4. OMG. It's like you're a baby learning everything all over again. Thank you for sharing your experience, and wishing you healing and recovery in your family. This letter might help on the explaining part, but the latter? She told me the other day that I didn't need to be hospitalized or need medications because now i have a job. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement." Marsha M. Lineham This semester one of the classes I am taking is titled "Intimate Relationships," a course in which the objective is to inform students about Write as much as you'd like, pour out your heart and soul and tell him how hurt you are and how much you didn't deserve such horrific treatment. She called asking for me to send her some clothes and stuff so she could relocate to a homeless shelter to take IOP. People with BPD have various triggers that can set their symptoms in motion. I had my breakdown in 2003 at 39 yrs old went from happy and singing to feeling like I was being watched and crawled under my desk at workscared too death to come out and feeling like a little girl. My ex has BDP. Now that I know she has BPD, it is too late for me to do anything more to help her. I thought we would be okay, but then something I did angered her. I tried telling them what I KNEW I needed treatment wise, but because it wasn't available to me, they kept telling me I just didn't WANT to get better and wouldn't take the help offered even though I actually did go through all the groups offered, which didn't help because of the other issues I struggled with which they just said was BPDit wasn't. This post is just to give you an idea of the typical suffering and thoughts those of us with BPD have. I think you are the first Norwegian to tell me about her BPD blog. You sound like a good and strong person with a huge heart. I can't believe they still employ me (which reminds me I'm am Thee master of self-sabatoge)Every day I am paranoid, anxious, overwhelmed. Debbie, Thank you so much for your comment. My mom and dad talked about my fear of abandonment and decided not to go on long vacations together anymore, because I always become unstable when they do. Many times I wanted to give up but he is crying out loud inside that I cannot afford to leave him like that. Maybe there is hope or support out there but i can't figure out how to know who deserves it and who doesnt and if i try think about it i just panic and get nowhere, make things worse, so i was wondering what your thoughts are as this is obviously a subject you have much experience with. . My wife, whom I believe has undiagnosed BPD, was hospitalized in February for SI. You might feel like you're being held hostage . I had no hope in life, no future as it seemed. People with BPD can experience severe mood swings,. This letter really hits hard. Another thing that you may find confusing is our apparent inability to maintain relationships. . Thank you so much for posting this. I hope somewhere in her heart she truly KNOWS the love I have for her and though I may never be able to see it returned to me, I everyday press on in my efforts to support her and encourage positive change. I really appreciate all of the kind, encouraging words you've offered here. Sometimes we take a preemptive strike by disowning people before they can reject or abandon us. It was total and it was overwhelming and it could be cruel." Cassandra Clare. Click to enable/disable essential site cookies. Oops! What you have written here is one of the most accurate and personable depictions of BPD, it gives way to understanding and hope. I asked myself, how can someone with four beautiful children and a stunning wife feel this way? Listening to your loved one and acknowledging their feelings is one of the best ways to help someone with BPD calm down. This open letter can be extremely helpful to people who love someone diagnosed with BPD. I made it though, and I now know that I have so much to offer to my future clients because of my own experience with mental illnesses. It is possible that something that you said or did triggered us. I don't harm my self, don't act on impulse, don't fear abandonment I am no longer scared or afraid to live and love. I know it always comes out wrong. I would live and die alone. Because these cookies are strictly necessary to deliver the website, refusing them will have impact how our site functions. I was diagnosed with BPD about seven years ago. "People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. My perception as a child was that I was, in fact, the cause of her turmoil. You can see glimpses and more and more of who that person really is over time, if you dont give up. Self-harm, threatening or attempting suicide. These episodes can get farther and fewer between, and we can experience long periods of stability and regulation of our emotions. Debbie, Kelly, thank you so much for letting me know! There are nine possible criteria for diagnosing BPD, but an individual only needs to . Ive not recovered fully from this. Until I got out of all the physc stuff , non groups and started to directly talk or better said listen to those that suffer from BPD I really had no idea. Remember that your words, love, and support go a long way in helping your loved one to heal, even if the results are not immediately evident. Everything in it's perfect timing. After nearly a year of working in a pub as a cleaner and bar staff, I finally got a . I am sorry I was selfish. heartbroken77 Consumer 0 Posts: 12 Joined: Wed Nov 25, 2009 4:23 am Local time: Mon Nov 28, 2022 2:16 am Blog: View Blog (0) One must only have 5 symptoms out of 9 to qualify for a diagnosis, and the combinations of those 5-9 are seemingly endless. UPDATE: A video version of this letter, complete with narration and text, is now available for viewing and sharing by clicking HERE. I'n sending a hug to you . None. We can learn grounding exercises and apply our skills to help during these episodes, and they may become less frequent as we get better. If you make plans, try to keep them, or offer a clear reason why you can't. Make sure you're not blowing hot and cold. After the latest episode she tells me that I have to earn back her trust. Ask questions. My mother does want to help her, but she won't help herself. My email is kristenwoods81@aol.con. Sometimes we even take on the mannerisms of other people (we are one way at work, another at home, another at church), which is part of how weve gotten our nickname of chameleons. Sure, people act differently at home and at work, but you might not recognize us by the way we behave at work versus at home. Debbie now teaches the DBT skills that helped change her life over at. They actively seek to control the perception of BPD in the same exact way they try to control how they are perceived as individuals. Debbie, Hi Beauty thank you very much for your kind feedback. Linda, thank you for taking the time to share these thoughts, as they will no doubt help others who read this post and scroll down to see your comment. Caring about someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) tosses you on a roller coaster ride from being loved and lauded to abandoned and bashed. It's all chaos. I want there to be love in the world. I wish I could get my husband to read this. I am sorry you didn't feel loved. clearly point to BPD. I'm constantly dropping things I'm doing or putting myself in awkward situations so I can be there. My wife tried to take her life 16 days ago. And a couple days ago I put my guitar away and said, Im done.. It's not your fault. I read The Art of Asking by my favorite artist Amanda Palmer, and it was absolutely wonderful. Just let her know I sent you, and she'll be happy to point you in the right direction. I wanted to throw in the towel and give up on life. You know what, I wouldn't have been able to write it 6 years ago. People with BPD traits often have "object permanence" issues - "out of sight is out of mind". This is known as PTSD, and it happens to a lot of us, too.). As I read it I want to share it with my husband and daughter for starters but would love to share it to my DBT therapist and group.How do you feel about that? I'm really glad she did; now I can see mistakes that I've made dealing with her, and I know how to be a better and more supportive husband. I put my family through hell for years. But I'm learning how to deal with it, thanks in part to resources such as this open letter. Perhaps you have tried so many things to ease the pain, but nothing has worked. thank you. Thank you for your kind comment. She emailed me later saying that it was passive aggressive behavior and that she "gets it" I am the one who ended it. I was diagnosed with BPD.. And he isn't coming back and it hurts. Thank you so much for writing this, I am putting it everywhere I can. This letter really helped me in explaining my condition to all those around me. September 14, 2018, 3:53 PM. Celebrities and Famous People With Borderline Personality Disorder. This site uses cookies to give you the best, most relevant experience. I've learned how to focus on the important things and how to handle my emotions. Have a great evening. I've been doing gratefulness journals since 2000. Hi Sarah and John. Thanks for writing this. She has a 12 month lease but says she may come back sooner if go into rehab for her ( I am working on my issues with a therapist). But what the BPD sees as abandonment, we see as self care (which ironically is one of the suggestions handed down in this open letter). It's sort of comforting that she said that, because it confirms that I probably finally have the right diagnosis. It was so overwhelming that is when they diagnosed me with severe depression and panic disorder after taking a long test and seeing several drs. Its smart for us to stay busy and distract ourselves when boredom starts to come on. Open Letter. Thank you again. ive been through the same, she knows she has it but cant have anyone know, she cant have people think shes not perfect and happy. I hope that my ex gets better. I am borderline, but also bipolar, which I take medication for. But first I know I need, and I want to get better. She has latched onto a fiction that I was mentally abusive towards her and refuses to co-parent in the interest of our son. Groups are not for everyone. And explains how the "non-BPD" can support and understand those who are suffering from the disorder. I also see your side and know you must have been through alot with her and you have to protect yourself and your family. I have emotionally detached myself quite well this time I think. I feel like when i want to say something my mouth just won't move. He is desperate I know. , There are still some professionals who are not up to speed with the treatments that can effectively help those with BPD. They have similar symptoms, but I don't believe they can be classified the same. I am scared, and I am alone. I'd be honored if you shared it with your DBT Group and therapist (and your family!). Thank you so much for this letter. | I can't be myself around you. For some of us, we had childhoods during which, unfortunately, we had parents or caregivers who could quickly switch from loving and normal to abusive. This extreme, black or white thinking and experience of totally opposite desires is known as a dialectic. Thank you very much for your perspective. my life is in shamblesi without her, im just ad much a mess worrying about her, who shes with today tomorrow.. We are not mental health professionals nor clinicians. Dr. Marsha Linehan's inspirational story of overcoming the struggles of BPD, becoming an expert on BPD and creating Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT). Hope can be returned. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health issue that causes emotional instability and can affect how people manage their moods and interact with other people. Win a copy of my new book, Stronger Than BPD! This is very hard!! Thank you for reading this. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Thank you for taking the time to leave this kind comment, and more importantly, for the wonderful work you are doing to help hurting people. Thank you. She's 30 years old. I have done everything that I know to do for the past 28 years. Your letter touches on a subject that my husband and I are taking to my therapist just this week. Princess Diana: The disorder is also prevalent in royal families, and the most charismatic and famous celebrity suffering from it was Princess Diana. Forgot those important facts. Every single time you embrace my stable days when I'm the peachiest version of me you ever get to experience. We may jump from one friend to another, going from loving and idolizing them to despising them deleting them from our cell phones and unfriending them on Facebook. I may feel hopeless, but I dont want other people to. she now cant be with me because what will people think if we are seen together? Enough said. And it also made me aware of a lot of my behavior that i was never aware of and now i have a better understanding of some of the things i do and why. I could never blame them for not wanting to be around me, but this all left and leaves me with absolutely no support system. I like this letter. From someone that has been through it it means a lot. If you have borderline personality disorder (BPD), you might have experience with being called "obsessive.". Additionally, the structured environment and clear communication skills required in event planning can help individuals with BPD manage their emotions and improve their interpersonal skills. Thank you, and may the knowledge you acquire now help you to build a life worth living from here and forward. This blog is a torment to me because it makes me think he could change. It's hard not to appear defensive when she is asking for explanations as to why I've done things. I loved this!!! , You are a brave and kind man. UPDATE: A video version of this letter, com, plete with narration and text, is now available for viewing and sharing by clicking, https://www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/healing-from-bpd-e1577900769964.jpg, An Open Letter From Those of Us With Borderline Personality Disorder. You never know thoughit could end up being really helpful to hear from others who are going through the very same things as you. You may find that difficult to believe, since we may lash out at you, switch from being loving and kind to non-trusting and cruel on a dime, and we may even straight up blame you. At this point, "there is no escape" from my mind. He seems to be in complete denial of my diagnosis.

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